I think the hardest part of my healing journey was realizing that I never actually lived in my body.
Now, you’re probably sitting there thinking to yourself “what the heck does Gab mean?”. Let me explain…
I vividly remember in 2021 sitting on my couch going through Instagram when I saw someone, I looked up to post a video of herself stretching and moving in fluid motions in her living room. The caption read something along the lines of “What is your body asking for? What is it trying to tell you?”.
I remember reading that and thinking to myself “wow, I never thought of it this way.”, but also feeling confused when it came to how to listen to my body. I had so many questions, like :
“How do I listen to my body?”
“What language does my body speak?”
“Does my body have a voice? And if so, have I heard it before?”
In questioning myself and reflecting on my answers I came to the realization that my body indeed has a voice, but I never really sat down to listen to it and because of that I didn’t understand it’s language since I never took the time to sit with it, listen and learn it’s language.
That’s what I mean when I say I had never lived in my body, I had always lived in my mind which was my coping mechanism for dealing with chronic pain from the time I was born. From a young age I learned that if I was going to make it through hard days and keep up with the kids my age who had 24/7 energy rather than 24/7 aches and pains, I’d have to tap into the good old “mind over matter” technique.
I was living in a mind over matter way before I had even learned the saying mind over matter, and I had gotten so good at it that my pain tolerance was sky high. My pain could be at an all-time high, and I’d be able to block it out completely until the end of the day when I finally went to bed and didn’t need to push through the pain anymore. I was so good at blocking it out that my parents had to remind me to feel my pain before my doctor’s appointments because it became automatic for me to block in out.
My whole life, even into adulthood, I flaunted my ability to tolerate pain as an impressive skill when it really wasn't a skill at all. I wasn’t tolerating my pain; I was completely ignoring it. Tolerating would mean to be aware of it, but still being able to get through your day. I wasn’t aware of my pain, or any physical symptom for that matter.
Heck, in 2016 I went 3 weeks of exercising approximately 3 plus hours a day without realizing I had fractured my ankle in 3 different places. I remember the doctor looking at my X-rays, looking at me and being in shock over how I managed to go this long without seeing a doctor. That picture on the left was taken after running a 3km on that same broken ankle.
Those aches, pains and symptoms were my body’s way of communicating with me. That was my body’s language. It was no wonder I didn’t hear my body’s voice. I had literally programmed my mind to ignore it and focus on the task at hand.
Realizing I had never lived in my body because I was ignoring it was a pivotal moment for me in my healing journey. It was a big “ah ha” moment. Or better yet, an “Oh shit!” moment......“Ah ha!... Oh shit.”
That really kicked off my holistic healing journey. It was clear that my first step had to be to tune into my body and learn to understand it. But that was easier said than done….
Yeah sure, after 23 years of living in mind over matter mode just come back to your body and feel all the pain and symptoms you have from head to toe. I would sit in a quiet space and bring my attention to my body, I’d do a body scan meditation, or I’d try and do some stretches and it was all too overwhelming. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to sit and feel the pain. It was easier to go back to the old pattern of ignoring what my body was saying. The old pattern of gaslighting my body by telling it “There is no problem”.
But as much as I wanted to fall back into old patterns, I knew it would not be the solution and it would most likely lead to more problems in the future. So I started small.
I would do short periods of 30 seconds to 2 minutes of sitting and paying attention to my body per day. Eventually I did it multiple times per day. I would take a quick 30 seconds while at work and ask myself how my body was feeling and then I’d go back to my mind over matter world. It may seem counter intuitive to go back to the pattern I wanted to stop, but had I tried to push myself to feel the pain for long periods of time I would have just given up because it would have been too much for me to handle. I think the most important thing here was that I was consciously ignoring my body where as in the past I was ignoring my body subconsciously. Having that awareness allowed me to work on the pattern I wanted to break. I eventually increased the period of time I would give my body attention and it got easier to be in my body.
I found a lot of comfort in knowing I could return to my mind over matter state whenever I needed too if being in my body became too overwhelming. Giving myself permission to return to my mind over matter state and not classifying it as "bad" removed the fear and discomfort that came with taking time to tap into my physical body.
The other thing that was helpful was being open with my partner about what I was going through and working on. One of the problems I would run into when ignoring my body’s queues was that I would burn out because I would push it too far. My boyfriend would remind me to pause during my day and ask me “How does your body feel?” and “does your body have the energy to add this task to your day?”. This was a big help because so often I would just be on auto pilot not considering whether or not my body needed rest or not.
Fast forward to the present moment and I am now able to tune into my body regularly during the day without feeling overwhelm and wanting to run away from it. Developing this relationship and open communication with my physical body has allowed me to better understand what my body needs and why which in return allows me to care for my wellbeing in a more hands on way.
Truly, take the time to learn my body's language was one of the best decisions I made. There is so much I am still discovering about my body's ways of communication. I don't think this is something you ever stop learning about. Right now I am reading Heal from Within: A Guidebook to Intuitive Wellness, but I also have The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma and When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress on my reading list for books that have to do with understanding our physical body.
In deepening my connection with my physical body, I have also discovered my mental body, emotional body and spiritual body which I will post about soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I wish you all the courage in journeying back to your physical body.
-xox Gab
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